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Anxiety Depression Mood Improvement Self-esteem Worry Control By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

List of cognitive errors

cognitive errors
Learn how to identify cognitive errors in your thinking.

Identifying cognitive errors can help you improve your mood.

In CBT, your thoughts are approached from an objective perspective to enable you to feel more empowered and in control of your moods. Because thoughts are “just thoughts” and not facts, in therapy they are dealt as abstract and subjective entities that may not necessarily reflect the truth.

Here are the 11 most common cognitive errors:

1- All-or-nothing thinking: you see the world in black and white and ignore numerous shades of grey.

Ex.: If this project doesn’t go well, it will be a total disaster.

2- Catastrophizing: you think the worst is somehow bound to happen, again ignoring variations as the possibility of positive outcomes.

Ex.: If I don’t get this job, I won’t be able to recover financially.

3- Disqualifying or discounting the positive: you overlook or dismiss the importance of your achievements as well as small victories as if they were to be expected and not celebrated or taken into consideration.

Ex. So what if I was promoted? It happens to people my age.

4- Emotional reasoning: your evaluations are based on your personal feelings and not on objective reason.

Ex.: If I feel incompetent, it means I can’t do anything right.

5- Labelling: you use a term of negative connotation to describe yourself, a situation or other people as if it were a faithful representation of the whole picture, without proof or analysis of any further considerations.

Ex.: I am an idiot, she’s a gold-digger and our marriage is a farce.

6- Magnification/minimisation: you judge yourself, others and the world around you emphasising the negative and reducing or ignoring the value of anything positive.

Ex.: Getting a promotion is what is expected of someone my age, while doing the same job for years means I am incompetent.

7- Mental filter: you focus on a negative aspect to formulate judgement.

Ex.: Dinner was mediocre, because my chocolate mousse didn’t rise.

8- Mind reading: you think you know what goes through other people’s minds without talking to them first.

Ex.: She thinks I am unsuitable to lead the team.

9- Overgeneralization: your interpretation is based on a broad and simplistic evaluation that exceeds the scope of the matter.

Ex.: (Because she is not interested in me) I will never date anyone I like.

10- Personalisation: you think other people’s negative behaviours are related to you.

Ex.: He left the pub early because he finds me boring.

11- “Should” and “must” statements: you have prescribed and inflexible views of yourself and others and exaggerate the importance of your own expectations.

Ex.: I’ve made a silly comment in today’s meeting. I should never open my mouth without being sure of what I am about to say.

Reference:

Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behaviour therapy, basics and beyond (2nd ed.) New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Daugthers of Narcissistic Mothers Dysfunctional Families Emotional Abuse Narcissistic Abuse By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

Were you raised by a narcissistic mother?

If you believe you were raised by narcissistic mother, the following questionnaire will help you gain insight into the issue.

To find out the probability of your mother being a narcissist, answer “yes” or “no” to the questions below. Once you have completed the questionnaire, count your “yes” answers and read the score interpretation comments at the bottom of the page.

1- Do you struggle to feel like an adult and a competent woman in your mother’s company?

were raised by a narcissistic mother
Find out if you were raised by a narcissistic mother

2- Do you feel under pressure to live up to your mother’s expectations and standards in order to be accepted and/or valued by her?

3- When in your mother’s company, do you often feel responsible for how she feels?

4- Does your mother treat you differently (e.g., politely, affectionately) in front of other people?

5- Is your mother jealous of you?

6- Does your mother have a habit of questioning and/or discarding and/or invalidating and/or ignoring your skills and achievements?

7- Do you feel you cannot count on your mother for emotional support?

8- Do you struggle to make your mother understand your feelings?

9- Is your mother hard – if not impossible – to please?

10- Does your mother ever show genuine regret and apologize for treating you inappropriately?

11- Do you believe that your mother does not know the real you?

12- Do you feel false and/or insecure and/or inadequate in your mother’s company?

13- Do your mother’s moods tend to fluctuate with great intensity and frequency?

14- When taken over by antagonistic feelings such as anger, shame and insecurity, does your mother abuse you verbally?

15- Does your mother use emotional blackmail to get what she wants from you on most occasions?

16- Does your mother make you feel responsible for her happiness?

17- Do your mother’s attitude and values seem not to evolve with time?

18- Do you often feel forced to meet only the needs and wants of your mother?

19- Do you find it hard to associate the image of your mother with that of an emotionally stable and secure adult?

20- Do you struggle to see yourself as an independent entity from your mother?

21- Does your mother reject or ignore your interests when they do not reflect her own?

22- Do you find it difficult to connect affectionately and emotionally with your mother?

23- Does your mother only accept your skills and achievements when recognized by somebody else?

24- Does your mother use your skills and/or natural talents and/or important moments of your life for self-aggrandisement?

25- When involved in family disagreements, does your mother always come out as the victim of some great injustice?

26- Does your mother not value you for whom you are, but for what you have to offer?

27- Are you embarrassed by your mother’s attitude and behaviour in front of other people?

28- Is your mother disappointed and/or makes you feel guilty for not doing what she wants?

29- Does your mother consciously ignore your feelings?

30- Does your mother expose and/or humiliate you in front of other people?

 

Score analysis:

1 – 5: It is unlikely that you were raised by a narcissistic mother.

6 – 9: It is somewhat likely that you were raised by a narcissistic mother.

10 – 19: It is very likely that you were raised by a narcissistic mother.

20 – 30: It is extremely likely that you were raised by a narcissistic mother.

Mood Improvement Perfectionism Procrastination Self-confidence Self-criticism Self-esteem By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

Are you a perfectionist?

Are you a perfectionist? Perfectionism is not a skill, but the number 1 enemy of a healthy self-esteem. Perfectionists have a hard time letting go of negative thoughts. They are extremely tough on themselves and often struggle to fully enjoy their own achievements. They also suffer from excessive self-criticism and self-doubt, which increase insecurity and give rise to feelings of inadequacy.

If you are wondering if this is your case, but would like to learn more about perfectionism, see below for its most typical behaviours:

All-or-nothing thinking: perfectionists see the world in black and white. The perfectionist scale contains only two opposite poles: ‘perfect/excellent’ and ‘rubbish/terrible’. There is no ‘adequate’ or ‘acceptable’, ‘good’ or ‘very good’ in the perfectionist’s classification system. According to perfectionist thinking, what is not a success is a total disaster.

Result obsession: achieving a perfect/excellent result is the main motivation of perfectionists. Perfectionists feel empty and unfulfilled without recognition. Because they struggle to love and accept themselves, they use external stimuli, such as praise, titles, acknowledgement, appreciation and validation to feel good about themselves. Perfectionists are approval junkies.

are you a perfectionist
Perfectionism is not a skill.

Mistake phobia: because perfectionists struggle with issues surrounding low self-esteem, the prospect of making a mistake is source of great anxiety. Contemplating failure is psychological torture for perfectionists. This result obsession added to their excessive judging and criticising generate a strong fear of the consequences of not attaining their incredibly high standards.

Aversion to criticism: perfectionists take criticism personally. Because they are extremely harsh on themselves, they have a tendency to interpret negative feedback as a personal attack. This is mainly due to their difficulty to separate their own selves from their actions and behaviours. If you tell a perfectionist that what he or she did is not very good, they believe they themselves to be bad.

Shoulds: why chase perfection like a hamster on a wheel? Because you should. You should always do your best. Forget feelings, moods or other idiosyncrasies, ‘best’ always means excellent, regardless of who you are. Perfectionism goes hand in hand with irrational absolutes and an intolerant attitude.

Discounting the positive: satisfying perfectionists is a big challenge. Nothing is ever good enough. Their worth can only be validated when in line with the highest of high standards. Anything below excellent is considered mediocre.

Rumination: perfectionists are time travellers. When they are not thinking about the past to find reasons for their supposed failures, they are trying to work out a way to transcend their own achievements. This lengthy and persistent consideration process, also known as rumination, feeds on itself. The more they ruminate, the more stuck they are with it.

Procrastination: why make all that effort when perfection is so difficult to attain? Rather than working so hard just to end up regretting your actions, it is easier not to decide. The most comfortable line of action is to put everything off. Without a decision, there is no risk, and no risk means no disappointment.

Self-denigration: perfectionists are masters of self-deprecation. Nobody criticises perfectionists as fervently as they do their own selves. They believe to be their duty to find faults with everything they do. Because nothing is ever good enough, they are constantly second guessing their own decisions, as if they were not competent to assess their own predicaments.

Guilt: feeling guilty for not being able to achieve their incredibly high standards is something with which perfectionists are very familiar. Perfectionism makes guilt seem like a plausible emotional reaction for not succeeding at everything you do. If you have failed to excel, you ‘should’ feel guilty. Guilt, allied with a long list of shoulds, reinforces perfectionism and feelings of low self-esteem, such as inadequacy and insecurity.

Shame: because perfectionists are always monitoring their own behaviours, they believe others are able to notice when they do not perform as well as they ‘should have’. They feel ashamed for not being able to comply with the demands of their own idealised selves, as if everyone else shared their inflexible views.

If you identify with the above, it is very likely that you are indeed a perfectionist. Perfectionism is a fairly common problem. To overcome perfectionism, make your priority to practice self-love and acceptance. Replace your overly judgemental attitude with a daily dosage of self-compassion. Become your own best friend and start telling yourself that it is OK to make mistakes. Learn how to laugh at the idea of being slave to a metaphor. Perfection is an illusion. Make ‘good enough’ the new ‘excellent’. Embrace your humanity and make peace with your weaknesses. Against a positive and forgiving attitude, your perfectionism will not stand a chance.

Anxiety Depression Mood Improvement Self-improvement By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

10 tips for better emotional and psychological health

It is definitely worth striving for better emotional and psychological health.

Everyone knows the benefits of exercising and a healthy diet for maintaining well-being.  Connecting good health solely to our physical condition is a common behaviour in Western culture. Looking after oneself from a psychological and emotional perspective tends to be overlooked or completely ignored. Until something more dramatic happens, as an episode of depression or intense anxiety, we act as if our cognitive and emotional health did not require much of our attention and care.

The facts contradict the merit of such attitude, however. Depression has recently been found to be the second major cause of disability worldwide. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, the cost of anxiety disorders comes close to one-third of the country’s total expenditure on mental health related issues. Even though the statistics are quite alarming, most people only recognise the value of looking after one’s mind and emotions when already affected by a mental health problem.

Thankfully, it is never too late to invest in your well-being. If you believe to have been neglecting you mental and emotional health, here are 10 tips for better emotional and psychological health:

  1. Stimulate your intellect: when was the last time you challenged your brain? You can activate those grey cells with some inspirational reading. Diversify your knowledge reading about topics you have never read before. Put down those crime novels and get out of your comfort zone with some highbrow books.
  2. Keep sound relationships: as social beings, we tend to live healthier and longer lives when socially active. Feelings of loneliness and social isolation have been linked to depression and late onset dementia. As we grow older, however, we tend to prioritise other areas to the detriment of our social lives. Dedicating time and effort to keep your
    better emotional and psychological health
    Small changes in behaviour can improve your mental and emotional health.

    relationships going does not only brighten your mood, but it also stimulates your cognition.

  3. Practice self-acceptance: a high level of self-esteem relies on your ability to love yourself unconditionally. When you accept yourself the way you are and leave at peace with your weaknesses, you are less likely to develop a problem with self-criticism, perfectionism, low self-esteem, anxiety and depression.
  4. Relax body and mind: progressive muscle relaxation, meditation, mindfulness, yoga, you name it. There is so much out there for you to try. Take some minutes of your day to unwind, restore your energy levels and feel in tune with your body.
  5. Appreciate stillness: stop for a moment and allow yourself to just be. You are a ‘being’ after all, so do your thing. There is nothing wrong in just enjoying the moment. Nothingdoism is the new ‘me-time’. Resist the temptation to get distracted by excess doism and learn how to appreciate an undisturbed and serene existence. Does the idea of being able to enjoy life’s small pleasures sound appealing to you? If you would like to apply that wonderful concept into your own life, take some time to notice the here and now. Look around you. Open your eyes to that multi-coloured sky and take some minutes to process what you see and feel.
  6. Learn how to let go: feeling too attached to an idea or thought can get you stuck on rumination mode. If your thinking is not leading you to any productive solutions, it is time to let those thoughts go. If you find it hard to get distracted or focus on something else, write your worry on a piece of paper and throw it away.
  7. Rely on your creative potential: you do not have to be a born artistic talent to unleash your creative potential. Personal creativity goes beyond the artistic realm. You can use your own resourcefulness to think of new ways of approaching life. What about taking a new direction, or investing in a different lifestyle? When existence becomes a repetitive re-enactment of a series of long-standing habits, a little imagination can help you make positive changes happen. Even if you do not feel comfortable with the idea of adopting an unfamiliar line of action, acting ‘as if’ you feel confident can give you a taste of what you are truly capable.
  8. Invest in personal growth: doing volunteer work, extending your qualifications, taking an active role in your community, spending more time with friends and family, getting motivated to do what you truly love, getting rid of bad habits, introducing healthy habits, the list goes on. Embrace your humanity and reconnect with yourself, others and the world around you.
  9. Keep a mood journal: keeping a daily record of your moods is an excellent way of gaining greater insight into your feelings. Connecting good and bad feelings to certain thoughts and behaviours will allow you to understand your motivations and control your moods more effectively.
  10. Do Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: there are times that finding professional help is the best choice to implement some healthy changes into your own life. CBT is renowned for its excellent results in the treatment of a wide variety of problems. As you go away from CBT with a new set of problem solving skills, you are better equipped to deal with future challenges.

Taking care of yourself also involves monitoring your psychological and emotional health. You can increase quality of life by raising your awareness about the importance of a sound relationship between body and mind. Prioritising one over the other or dismissing the value of your own feelings altogether can have a profound impact on your general well-being. To prevent finding out about this simple truth the hard way, be proactive. Practice self-love by taking care of the whole of you, from head to toe.

Relationships Self-improvement By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

Constructive x destructive criticism

Destructive criticism is the language of low self-esteem.

Giving or receiving criticism with dignity and compassion can at times come as a challenge. Everyone is able to recognise the benefits of seeing through a different perspective. Criticism fosters learning and self-improvement, be it in our personal or professional lives. When the moment of sharing a different opinion presents itself, however, criticism may feel difficult to handle gracefully.

As criticism has the potential to hurt and influence others in a powerful way, the responsibility of the giver remains the greatest. Our real intentions often get lost in the murky pool of human relationships. What may feel as a will to ‘help others’ can in true fact emerge from a deep, long-standing desire to control and manipulate. Even in cases when we are motivated by nothing than genuinely good intentions, communicating criticism with respect and consideration remains a fine skill.

Unfortunately, we are unable to mind read or predict someone else’s reaction to what we have to say. Our individual experiences with criticism have their unique way of shaping our perception. What may be OK for some may be damaging to somebody else. The best way to approach criticism is to see it as a double-sided coin. On one side it is constructive (good, productive and compassionate), while the other carries destructive features (it is ineffective, unproductive and selfish).

Constructive criticism is raised in a calm and collected manner. When you are exposed to constructive criticism, it feels like you are just hearing an added piece of information. Constructive criticism does not change the flow of conversation dramatically. It sounds like an offer of help that is too tempting to be refused. It feels like an invitation to become part of something good:

A: I know of some excellent books to help you write that piece, would you like me to show them to you?

B: Are you OK with making that pie? Do you think you could do with some help?

C: I’ve got some practical tips to improve your time-management skills, would you like to hear about them?

Destructive criticism sounds like a personal attack. It is emotionally charged and coloured with terms and expressions of negative connotation that make you feel inadequate and out of place. It changes the harmonious flow of conversation into something unnerving and unpredictable. Feeling cornered, you immediately switch to defensive mood without even realising it.

A: That has been poorly written. It doesn’t make any sense! It looks as if you haven’t either read or understand anything about the subject.

B: You don’t have a clue what you’re doing, do you? Without my help that is going to fall apart!

C: I can’t believe you’re late on that project. Why is it so hard for you to respect a deadline?

destructive criticism
There are two basic types of criticism: destructive and constructive.

As it is raised in order to genuinely help the receiver, constructive criticism is given with tact and respect, acknowledging the person’s skills and abilities that are already in place. It is rich in detail, clear and specific, so you know exactly what you have done wrong or could do with improvement. It is practical and straightforward; contributing positively towards enhancing the receiver’s learning experience:

A: I see what you mean by raising that point there; it is worth exploring it in greater depth. What about adding some examples to make it clearer to the reader? You could start with something like…

B: You mixed your ingredients well, you just need to butter that tin otherwise the base is going to stick on the bottom. You can still do it before putting it into the oven, but you will have to move the dough into another bowl first.

C: I like the fact that you have managed to get everyone motivated to work on our priorities. Since we are quite tight on time with this particular client, it would speed things up even further if you…

Destructive criticism, conversely, is exaggerated and vague. As its aim is to intimidate, belittle or even humiliate, destructive criticism lacks information that may be of learning value to the receiver. Instead of its focus being on specific behaviours, destructive criticism works as to discredit the entire person:

A: That’s absolutely awful. How can you expect anyone to understand that? You will have to do it all again!

B: That’s a disaster! It’s not going to cook properly! Baking is really not your thing!

C: I’d have expected so much more from someone in your position. Anyone would think you could have done much better than that by now!

Be it at home with your spouse or children, at work with your colleagues or employees or out with friends or extended family, sharing your views with respect and compassion can do wonders to everyone involved. Productive criticism helps people connect and grow. Taking time and patience to elaborate on your assessments always pays off in the end. Even if the concept of productive criticism has never had real application in your own life, you can start a new trend by using it with the people around you. It is never too late to incorporate positive changes into your behaviour. You can take over the rules of the game and turn criticism into a win-win experience.

Depression Mood Improvement Relationships Self-confidence Self-esteem Self-improvement By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

Understanding assumptions

assumptions
Assumptions – or intermediate beliefs, in cognitive terms – derive from our core beliefs about ourselves, the world and other people.

Assumptions have a high power of influence over human behaviour. As firm believers in the Law of Cause and Effect, we act according to what we believe. If I assume I am not qualified enough for a certain position and for that reason will not be offered a job, chances are I will not fill in that application. Assumptions are of a general nature and tend to follow a common sense approach. They come as deceivingly relatable sweeping statements, that when inspected with objectivity fail to address the complexity of individual contexts, chance or random factors. I may have qualities other than qualifications that might be more appealing to the needs of a particular interviewer at a given moment in time. As I have no way of objectively knowing what the future holds, my choice is ultimately based on an assumption.

Assumptions – or intermediate beliefs, in cognitive terms – derive from our core beliefs about ourselves, the world and other people. Core beliefs are, predominantly, product of our education and upbringing.  These beliefs are reinforced through rewards on personal behaviour and tend to reflect cultural values held by a group’s majority. As young children, we learn how to use our core beliefs as personal frames of reference for thoughts and behaviours that are widely accepted by others, such as our parents, teachers and friends. Throughout development, we bond with people who identify (consciously or not) with those same core beliefs, and that are able to relate to the assumptions from which they originate. To go against what everyone else thinks – not to act in accordance with the beliefs of others – makes us stand out as unconventional. Not being considered normal may result in emotional discomfort.

The human experience is so rich that makes the credibility of absolutes somewhat wobbly. Assumptions tend to bypass this very richness, failing to make us justice. We are multi-layered individuals who are constantly adapting to the demands of a new tomorrow. What I thought was right 10 years ago might not be the way to go today, even though I felt so intensively inclined to believing it back then. Those who adopt a flexible attitude towards core beliefs and the assumptions from which they arise are more likely to experience satisfying levels of self-realisation and growth.

Here are two examples of assumptions that are not doing you any favours:

‘If I treat others with respect I can expect to be treated equally’

A golden rule introduced by your mum and dad to justify you being nice to others. It may have taught you good manners back when you were 5, but now it is affecting your mood in a negative way.

Having fixed expectations about people’s responses to you is unrealistic. As individuals we respond to only one agent: our own selves. Even for those who lack real selves, the choice to follow somebody else’s mind is still their choice. We cannot help but be. Beings also includes feeling unfriendly, arrogant, anxious, impatient, cranky, depressed, restless, distressed, upset, distracted and self-absorbed. In essence, feelings are not guided by a sense of fairness. They also precede social conventions or personal intent. There is so much involved in just being, that to take it personally when someone’s behaviour does not correspond to your expectation is a waste of emotional energy. You can save some precious emotional juice by stopping to evaluate everyone’s behaviour in relation to you. Become an observer, make a mental note of what you see and feel without attaching further meaning to it. This is a simple attitude that is bound to contribute to your sense of self-mastery over your moods.

‘If I put great effort into achieving something that means I will succeed’

Another assumption that is frequently at the heart of so many feelings of disappointment. Our focus is so often centred on ourselves that we tend to ignore everything else that plays a part at our life’s developments. So many factors can contribute (or not) to your success in whatever you do. Be it in your personal or professional life, you are not the sole influence on either things or people. You are limited to the extent that you are able to shape your entire reality. Working your hardest may not be all it takes to secure that promotion. Making sure you always look and act your best may not be enough to keep that relationship going. Just because you have quality time with your child doesn’t mean you will end up sharing the same interests.

As cause and effect, the relationship between quantity and quality cannot be defined accurately by absolutes. Hardly anything is 100% certain when it comes to the human experience, only that there is birth and usually a while later, death. Even though you can observe certain trends between your degree of dedication and performance, that still does not mean that your results will always be the same in every single attempt. Opening your perception to the uncertainty of life is as relevant a skill as any other. Knowledge may lead you to power, but it can also make your mind a prisoner of self-reliance. Freedom also comes with acceptance and the courage to just let it be.

Assumptions are not an entirely irrational thing to have, as long as we stick to their denotative meaning. A healthy attitude towards assumptions is to bear in mind that a belief remains a belief in spite of how strongly I feel in relation to it. Assumptions are not facts, but widespread subjective notions that do not require proof to be validated. Time may be an indication of how tightly connected an assumption has become to a group’s sense of identity, but that is all. Because an assumption has been held for a long time still does not make it true. How comfortable would you currently be with the idea that the earth is flat? The belief was held for over 200 years and it still did not change the shape of our planet.