Category: Mood Improvement

How to improve emotional health in 2018

How to improve emotional health in 2018
A healthy sense of self can only be perceived through feeling

Learning how to build a healthy relationship with yourself is all about developing emotional awareness and respect. In order for you to feel whole, it is vital that you learn how to listen, validate and regulate your own emotions.  A healthy sense of self can only be perceived through feeling, be it negative or positive, or an ambivalent combination of both. Since there is no means of learning or even becoming ourselves without it, the value of our emotional health should not be underestimated. If you are determined to live a more fulfilling and pleasant existence, here is how to improve emotional health in 2018:

Become more emotionally aware

There is no better way to become more emotionally aware than simply taking the time to notice how you feel. If you are not able to identify your own emotions with the help of your intellect, direct your attention back to the body. Bodily sensations can often tell you what your brain sometimes struggles to explain through words. How does it feel to be you in this particular moment? Scan your body from head to toe – especially the regions that are prone to registering emotional disturbance, such as the stomach, chest, neck, shoulders and forehead – and analyse what is there. Do you feel a lightness or heaviness in those parts? Is your breathing short or deep? Are those regions relaxed or tense? What can they tell you about your needs and emotional state?

Respect negative emotions

Feeling whole is not viable without emotional congruence. Contrary to popular belief, emotional neglect is not an effective way of dealing with emotions, but a dysfunctional coping strategy that only leads to unhappiness, as well as mental health and relationship problems. If you feel uncomfortable, inadequate, sad or anxious, there is, most likely, a good reason for it. Even if your feelings are dysregulated, exaggerated or do not seem to reflect reality, that in itself is information of a potential mental health issue that needs your attention. Life and self-improvement are unattainable when you ignore or try to repress negative emotions. Being attentive to what is not a good fit and stands in the way of personal contentment, growth and development is a clever attitude for those who want to empower themselves through feeling.

Learn how to self-regulate

Validating your emotions does not mean being completely at their mercy. There are times that they have to be to dealt with and not only felt. Learning how to self-soothe and control your emotions independently is true autonomy. Not dealing with your feelings consciously and proactively often leads to addictions and other mental health problems. In order to deal with negative emotions healthily, motivate yourself and be creative. There is no fixed recipe for relaxation and well-being, since as individuals; we experience emotions in our own unique ways. Discover what works for you and fits your personality through exploring new ways of finding inner peace, be it through exercise, physical activity, relaxation or breathing exercises, meditation, reading, dancing, taking a hot bath, etc.

Seek emotional support

Life is often also made of stressful and even traumatic events that may be difficult to deal with emotionally. If you feel overwhelmed and nothing seems to ease your pain or anxiety, it may be time to seek the help of a mental health professional. There is no shame in feeling vulnerable and in need of a fresh perspective. Most of us go through tough times in our lives, even when we are too proud or ashamed to admit it. If you feel the need and have the means to go see a counsellor, I highly recommend it, especially if you do not feel comfortable talking about your feelings with others or were raised by emotionally neglectful parents. Therapy can be a productive environment in where to learn new problem-solving skills and coping strategies, which become yours for life.

The festive period might not be a cheerful time to everyone, but it has the potential to incite a feeling for positive change in a lot of us. If you “have had enough” of feeling demotivated and empty inside, following the above may help you reconnect with the whole of you, including those parts that have been neglected. To honour who you are in 2018, let go of beliefs about feelings that rob us from our humanity, or the ability to feel and connect with ourselves, others and the world around us. After all, being emotionally healthy is nothing that requires super extraordinary powers, but an honest and open attitude to interacting with the inner and outer world through feelings.

5 signs you were raised by emotionally neglectful parents

Every single emotion we feel, be it negative or positive, has its purpose. Negative emotions tell us when something is not quite right with our bodies. Like positive emotions, they help us interpret information and connect us to our inner and outer worlds. While negative emotions are highly sophisticated alarms that let us know when to move, act or think so to protect ourselves, positive emotions direct our focus to what we like and is important to us. Overall, emotions not only makes us human, but also help us grow and develop, as well as become who we truly are.

5 signs you were raised by emotionally neglectful parents
If you struggle to feel whole and connected, you might have been raised by emotionally neglectful parents

Despite its obvious relevance to the maintenance of our physical and mental health, our culture promotes a mentality of repression, denial and even rejection of emotions, especially when negative. We are taught already from an early age – even without direct instruction – to do what we can to supress anger and sadness, for instance, as if they were something to be “managed” and not felt. Our parents learn from their parents how not to address emotional states so not to upset them, and with time become intolerant of their very own negative emotions. When they have children of their own, they feel easily uncomfortable or lost when exposed to their suffering, anger or other feelings of inadequateness, often choosing not to accept or even acknowledge their existence and purpose.

If you struggle to feel whole and connected, be it with your emotions, with what you do, with your own body, self or others, you might have been raised in an environment of emotional neglect. To find out if that could be the case, here are 5 signs you were raised by emotionally neglectful parents:

1- You perceive most negative emotions as purposeless

You are judgemental concerning negative feelings. You see the ones who honour them as weak, temperamental, volatile or irrational. You think that everyone, including yourself, should make their utmost to be “pleasant” and exercise total control over their emotions, as if negative feelings, especially, were wild animals that should be tamed at all costs. You equate intelligence and strength to such “qualities” and emotional awareness and wholeness to vulnerabilities.

2- You find it difficult to tolerate emotional discomfort

If frustration, stress or anxiety suddenly befalls you, you do what you can to deal with such feelings as fast as possible. According to your belief, negative emotions should be extinguished immediately. You achieve that mainly via dissociation, self-medication, denial or avoidance, or through any other quick fix or diversion that makes you feel instantly better. Your reactions to other people’s negative emotional states are as straightforward as your own. If you happen to notice what is going on around you, you find it easier to pretend unawareness or not get directly involved. When dodging them becomes impossible, you downplay the importance of others’ negative feelings with polite but shallow comments, or with the help of platitudes and a stoic attitude. In some cases, you might even feel irritated by their supposed inability to deal with them as “effectively” as you do.

3- You rationalise your emotions

Because you fail to recognise the value of emotions, you use reason alone to justify and explain behaviour. “Plausible” reasoning motivates everything you do, and never an emotion such as insecurity, unhappiness or fear. You left that job not because the work environment made you super anxious to the point you could not sleep at night, but because “it was not a good fit”. You decide to stay in that broken relationship because deep down you cannot even envision the idea of being alone, but to yourself and others it is because “you invested in it for so long”. Anything reasonable enough so that you and those around you never associate how you act on the outside, with how vulnerable you truly feel on the inside.

4- You struggle to connect emotionally with others

Naturally, the distance you keep from your own emotions also makes it difficult for you to communicate how you feel. When you are required to express them, you struggle. That is because the tendency of explaining your behaviour without ever linking it to emotions, be it in relation to your own acts or others’, creates and aura of detachment in which emotional connection becomes virtually impossible. Relationships suffer in such scenarios, regardless of their nature. Loving relationships, particularly, are hard to be kept healthy without emotional closeness and intimacy. In the long term, emptiness and loneliness tend to take its toll, pushing decisions and actions into a new direction. The result of such reassessment is often high resentment and thoughts of separation.

5- You do not feel understood or validated

Even without noticing it, you are betrayed by your own beliefs concerning emotions. The need for being seen, heard, loved and understood will not go away just because you made an effort to invalidate your emotions and supress their expression. We also exchange information about ourselves through feelings, and not only through language. How can anyone recognise and even address your needs when you yourself is reluctant to acknowledge and accept them? Neglecting your emotions, especially when negative, does not favour you or your relationships, but it only turns you into an unavailable automaton.

Even if you have identified with some or all of the above, you can still change the relationship you keep with yourself, and, consequently, the ones you nurture with others. Respecting and honouring your emotions by allowing yourself to feel will give you a renewed sense of self, one that is more balanced and in harmony with your own body. Everyone can learn invaluable lessons from emotions, as well as benefit from their wisdom. To reconnect emotionally, start monitoring how you feel with honesty and an open mind. Do not give into the temptation to rationalise or deal with them as quickly as possible, but stay with them for a while. Then notice what happens, if they linger or fade away by themselves. What are they trying to tell you? Have you taken the time to consider the real implications of ignoring them? What can you learn from them?

Why negative emotions matter

Our emotions connect us to our selves, brains and bodies, as well as to the world around us. Without emotions, it would be impossible to understand what goes on outside and inside us. It would also be quite challenging to build relationships or identify what is good or bad for us, likes and dislikes. As obvious as that sounds, a great number of us is discouraged to express and even feel negative emotions such as sadness and anger already at an early age. Parents who cannot tolerate their own feelings of inadequateness and who tell their children that “boys don’t cry”, or that being angry is not “ladylike”, for instance, contribute towards the creation of the dysfunctional belief that emotional discomfort does not serve any purpose and should be avoided at all costs. As the child develops, he or she learns unhealthy coping strategies to “deal” with negative emotions, such as through repression, avoidance, denial and self-medication. As an adult, he or she is much more inclined to suffering from mental health problems such as addictions, depression and eating and anxiety disorders.

To help you change your beliefs about negative emotions and start building a healthier relationship with yourself and your own feelings, here are 5 reasons why negative emotions matter:

Why negative emotions matter
Our emotions connect us to our selves, brains and bodies

1- They keep you out of trouble

Negative emotions such as fear and disgust, for instance, warn you that something is probably not right and it deserves your attention. Your negative emotions comprise a very sophisticated alarm system that can detect potential danger to your health and wellbeing. Most mental health problems could be avoided if we listened to them more attentively. Any type of pain or discomfort, be it of a physical or emotional nature, is a call for some kind of reassessment. When you register that message and promptly respond to it by making the necessary changes to regain a sense of wholeness and life balance, your chances of thriving in whatever environment gradually increase. If you fail to notice your negative emotions or make an effort not to, however, be it in a conscious or unconscious fashion, you expose yourself to potential harm to your psyche, body and emotions.

2- They let you know what is important to you

Negative emotions help you connect to your true self. They assist you in focusing on what matters to you, by letting you know what does not. Felling unmotivated about the prospect of doing something or interacting with someone, for instance, may indicate how you truly feel in relation to the role you play in your life. An intense negative emotion has the power to give back a sense of autonomy and control over what might have been lost through a tendency to intellectualise suffering and not respect one’s own feelings and personal boundaries. Trusting your emotional compass is key, especially if you feel disconnected to how you think, feel and act, as well as life itself and others.

3- They help you connect emotionally with others

We communicate with others largely through body language and the language of emotions. That exchange is so automatic, quick and subtle, that it often occurs without our full awareness. When you shut out the channels that link you to your own negative emotions, you damage not only the relationship you keep with your own self, but also the ones you nurture with others. Being able to notice and respond to other people’s emotions, especially when negative, is vital to help you create an emotional and affectional bond with whom you love and care about. The inclination towards ignoring, normalising or even dismissing another person’s negative emotions, for instance, has the potential to ruin friendships and loving relationships, while being emotionally attuned to somebody else’s feelings strengthens and extends the life of healthy relationships.

4- They make you whole

As human beings, we experience a great array of emotions. Anger, sadness, disgust, anxiety, shame and guilt, as well as all other negative emotions, have a function. To reject them – as if they were useless or worthless – is to deny our own humanity. It is also an irrational and inconsequent behaviour that can have a detrimental impact on our overall health and relationships that we value. Acknowledging and allowing yourself to feel, express, tolerate and process negative emotions as well as positive ones, is what makes us congruent and coherent beings. Being true to your feelings (which does not mean being controlled by them) sends out the message that you are a perceptive, confident and conscious adult, who honours who you are and understands what life is all about.

5- They help you grow

Emotions, be them negative or positive, are invaluable sources of wisdom because they foster personal growth. They teach you what behaviours are productive and warn you against the ones who make you feel stuck and stressed. As you test and learn from your behaviours through your emotions, you become more skilled in finding your sense of self-direction, as well as more self-aware and independent. Emotions also help you navigate the social environment and connect with others through their pain and vulnerability, as it has been mentioned above. Emotions hardly ever lie, and even if they do, that in itself still has a purpose. Exaggerated or out of place emotional reactions also signal when something is not functioning as well as it should, or that a problem has not been properly addressed or dealt with. Regardless of the scenario, quality or intensity of your emotions, you always learn more about yourself, the world and those around you when you pay attention and listen closely to what they have to say.

Perceiving your negative emotions as a source of knowledge and even wisdom will enable you to build a harmonious relationship with your own body. If you find the concept of self-compassion relevant to emotional wellbeing and development, but have a hard time applying it in your own life, start befriending emotional negative states through a more tolerant attitude. Resist the urge to immediately tame your anger or normalise your sadness by noticing how they affect your body. Learn how to focus on and be with them until they lose their energy.  If they persist, use thinking to initiate an internal dialogue between yourself and your emotions to find out what needs are not being met.

3 simple exercises for dealing with excessive worrying

Excessive worrying can make life seem dull and draining. How can we bring ourselves to notice the little things that make life interesting, such as a beautiful sunset on a multi-coloured sky, the value of our efforts or an act of kindness by a total stranger, if our minds are stuck in worrying mode? You know when your worries have started taking over your life when you feel distanced and disconnected from your work, friends and/or loved ones, or when most things you do for pleasure and fun seem to have lost their purpose. To help you regain control over your own thoughts, here are 3 simple exercises for dealing with excessive worrying that will allow you to approach your worries productively:

3 simple exercises for dealing with excessive worrying
Excessive worrying can make life seem dull and draining

1- Keep a worry diary

Diaries are great tools to get your thoughts and worries out of your head. Here you will find a worry diary that will allow you to keep a record of what is bothering you at that particular moment. What is more, it has one section for your triggers and another to register your tested strategies for dealing with excessive worrying. Print out your worry diary and carry it around with you at all times. Whenever a worry starts taking over your thoughts, write it down exactly as you have it, as you can see in the example. After a week filling in your worry diary, read it again and take some time to analyse it. What do your worries say about you? What triggers them? What control strategies were the most efficient?

2- Keep a worry box

Have a plastic container somewhere safe and discreet to store your worries. On a given Monday, start carrying a little notebook or sheet of paper around with you. Whenever a worry hits you, write it down on a piece of paper, fold it and put it in the plastic container. If you prefer to leave your worry box at home, keep your paper in your handbag or pocket for going in the box later. Do that for the entire week, from Monday to Sunday. On Sunday evening, take some time to have a look through the worries you have had that week and notice how you feel in relation to them. Reflect over their content and determine if they still bother you or if they have lost their relevance by then. How do they make you feel? Are you still as stressed as you were when you wrote them down?  After having read them, rubbish or burn them somewhere safe.

3- Set aside some worry time

If you are not very keen on the idea of writing your worries down every time you have them, you can make a mental note and save them for “worry time”. Whenever a worry starts taking over your thoughts tell yourself, “I will worry about this at worry time”, and get on with whatever you are doing at that moment. If you do not trust your memory, write your worry down on a piece of paper or use your smartphone to register it. Worry time is that designated time of the day that you can give yourself just to worry. Schedule your preferred worry time, ideally in the evening and after work. Save all the worries you have during the day for worry time. Then, at the appointment time, sit down and think about your worries for no longer than 15 minutes. Notice how you feel in relation to them. What has changed? How are you going to feel about those worries in a month’s time?

After having completed any of the above exercises for at least one week, ask yourself the following:

What is the main role of my worries (what do I get from them?)?

Are my worries productive (do they lead me to a solution?)

What negative beliefs about myself, the world and others are fuelling my worries (what do my worries say about me?)?

Do I tend to exaggerate the importance of my worries?How well can I cope with uncertainty?

5 healthy rules to treat yourself with love and respect

Self-esteem is a language. The language of self-esteem is kind, tolerant and compassionate. When you use the language of self-esteem with yourself and not just with other people, you treat yourself with enough love and respect to nurture a healthy self-esteem from the inside out. The first step towards changing the tone of your inner dialogue – from self-critical to loving and respectful – is to monitor it actively. Start catching yourself while ruminating or when stuck in a fault-finding cycle. Then, instead of reacting passively to the attack of your own negative thoughts, use the language of self-esteem to challenge self-denigrating statements. Below you will find 5 healthy rules to treat yourself with love and respect that will help you introduce self-acceptance into your life:

1- No more labels

5 healthy rules to treat yourself with love and respect
Learn how to nurture your self-esteem

When someone makes a mistake, do you call her or him “idiot”? If a friend asks how he or she looks, do you answer with “old”, “fat” or “ugly”? Of course not. Labelling – or using words of negative connotations to describe yourself in a global and, very often, inaccurate manner – hurts. Do not full yourself: words are powerful. The habit of calling yourself names is not doing you any favours. Labels neither help nor comfort you, but on the contrary, they put you down and humiliate you.

2- No more “shoulds”

In CBT, “should” is frequently referred to as a tyrant. That is because there is little or no room for negotiation after a should statement. Just imagine: your car breaks down in the middle of nowhere when you realise you have forgotten your mobile phone at home. You are going to be late for work, which makes you deeply annoyed. You tell yourself, “I should have checked if I had my phone on me before leaving the house”. You feel even more frustrated and start questioning your ability “to do anything right”. Your anger builds up even further until it turns into merciless self-hate. Should statements are irritating reminders of one’s faults and shortcomings. They have no productive purpose, except for adding more pain to your existing misery.

3- Praise yourself

You have managed to get through a day’s work on a boring Wednesday. Well done! You were able to keep focused on eating well and consumed a low amount of carbs for two consecutive days. Good work! Why wait for recognition from others, as a desperate approval junkie, when you can give yourself the gift that keeps on giving, namely, that of self-esteem? You have all the right to express gratitude and admiration for yourself and your own achievements, be they big or small. Practicing self-love on a regular basis does not make you a narcissist. Self-love in good measure – acknowledging not only when you fail, but also when you succeed – makes for the basis of our emotional and psychological wellbeing.

4- Recognise your efforts

If you can only praise yourself when you achieve positive results, your self-esteem is conditional. What happens when you do not fulfil such condition of worth? You worry excessively and self-criticise. As a result, you may end up feeling an unpleasant mixture of sadness, frustration and anxiety. Conditional self-love may make sense in theory, but in practice is counterproductive. Those who acknowledge the value of trial and error are less likely to give up on what they want for themselves. Seeing your mistakes as essential elements of a learning journey reinforces engagement and a healthy sense of connection with your life goals.

5- Comfort yourself

You have all the right to feel sorry for yourself every now and then. Addressing your own negative feelings with love and compassion is essential for good emotional self-care. When feeling disappointed by a negative outcome, allow yourself to grieve and process your pain. Save some words of consolation for telling yourself that it is also OK to feel bad when things do not turn out as expected. Validating your feelings enables you to honour your whole self, no matter the circumstances.

Treating yourself as you would a friend can do wonders for your self-esteem. If you believe in the benefits of treating others with kindness through communicating in the language of self-esteem, you can take full advantage of such wonderful piece of wisdom by applying it also in your treatment of yourself. Nurturing a healthy relationship with yourself will give you the strength and confidence you need to lead an enjoyable and fulfilling live.

 

5 New Year’s resolutions for mental health

5 New Year’s resolutions for mental health
You can improve quality of life in 2017 by focusing on your mental health

You have worked hard and yet another year has gone by at incredible speed. Now it is time to take a deep breath, enjoy the holiday celebrations and get ready for another round. Even if you are not a believer in New Year’s resolutions, since most of them tend not to last for longer than a month, anything you do in connection with self-improvement and personal growth is always worth your while.

Living a long and healthy life is all about looking after mind as well as your body. If you find you have not been as attentive to your emotional and psychological needs as you would have liked, here are 5 New Year’s resolutions for mental health that will help you feel more refreshed and at one with yourself in 2017:

1- I will not ignore my emotional pain

A great number of mental health problems could be avoided if early signs of stress and emotional discomfort were addressed as soon as possible. Feeling that you cannot relax or enjoy yourself doing what you love, for instance, could be a sign of excessive worrying, anxiety or depression. Learn to listen to your body and identify when it is time to slow down. Be kind to yourself by giving more attention to your emotional wellbeing. After all, our emotional resources are not infinite. If you feel stuck or intensely inadequate for whatever reason, take the time to address those feelings and, if needed, seek help from a friend or a counsellor. Just by giving your emotions the attention they deserve, you will feel more grounded and in control of yourself. Respecting who you are through acknowledging how you feel can give you a renewed sense of wholeness.

2- I will raise self-awareness

Make it “your thing” this year not to give in to automatic thoughts so easily. Actively monitor your thinking and challenge cognitions that do not reflect a positive and forgiving attitude. Whenever you feel your mood changing, direct your attention to your thoughts and investigate what is fuelling those negative emotions. Take control of yourself by analysing your way of thinking objectively. Turn your brain into your most loyal ally and use metacognition to help you maintain a balanced and fresh outlook.

3- I will let go of perfectionism

Tell yourself that perfectionism is not a skill, but the number 1 enemy of a healthy self-esteem. Replace rigid and biased notions of success by a more human – and often much more productive – approach to life. Practice self-compassion on a daily basis by becoming increasingly more tolerant of what you tend to judge so harshly. Would you criticise your best friend in the same manner you do you, or value him/her exclusively for the quality of his/her achievements? What is unkind to do to others is certainly not good for your own self.

4- I will incorporate relaxation exercises into my routine

Breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation and mindfulness meditation are just a few of a series of relaxation exercises you can do to bring some balance into your life. It does not take much to complete them, 10 – 15 minutes a day is already enough to recharge your batteries. “Me time” does not have to be only about binge eating or spending money on something extravagant, but it can also mean coming back home to your body.

5- I will focus on my psychological wellbeing

The best way to fight depression and anxiety is to respect the connection between mind and body. When you neglect one or the other, the whole being suffers. Be vigilant, are you dedicating enough time to cultivating a heathy mind? If not, stop and make a change. Review the above and start introducing those healthy new habits into your life again and without any judgement.

Enjoying peace of mind as a direct result of your own efforts to change is one of the most rewarding feelings you can experience. Those who embrace that knowledge tend to value the little things that makes us happy and end up leading more fulfilling lives. I hope you accept the challenge and have a smashing 2017!