Category: <span>Relationships</span>

Codependence Dysfunctional Families Relationships By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

5 signs you do not respect other people’s boundaries

Boundary work is essential for those invested in personal growth and development. When one thinks of boundaries, they associate it with saying no to others. The focus seems to be on how our boundaries are not respected by others and what to do when that happens. But if there are a lot of us thinking the same way, who is not respecting others’ boundaries? Could that be us as well? If you believe to have weak boundaries, you most likely struggle to respect other people’s. To help you understand how you might be doing that, here are 5 signs you do not respect other people’s boundaries:

5 signs you do not respect other people’s boundaries
Do you struggle to respect other people’s boundaries?

1- You are sure of other people’s problems: you do not recognise others as experts in their own lives and believe to be the one who knows the true root of their suffering. Therefore, you spend great energy psychoanalysing them while overlooking your own vulnerabilities and limitations.

2- You do not accept when others need distance: you feel personally attacked when others do not want to spend time with you. When they express their need to take distance, you are not interested in their reasons or even take them into consideration.

3- You resent others when they do not agree with you: you feel a sense of rejection and alienation when you fail to influence others. You hold rigid values about relationships and struggle to accept individuality and be emotionally/psychologically separate from other people.

4- You do not accept others’ limitations: you have high expectations of others. When they are not met, you feel restless, disappointed and/or resentful. You struggle to accept people and things just as they are and not how you want them to be.

5- You do not see others as whole: your views of others are based on projection, or on how they make you feel. You see others only in their suffering and limitations to feel empowered and have a sense of self-esteem. You struggle to separate your own feelings of insecurity and inadequacy from your perception of others.

Relationships are challenging and few of us know how to properly navigate them. Healthy boundaries are at the core of what makes relationships functional. Boundary work is a two-way street, however.  You can become mindful of your limits, learn how to express them and gain a greater sense of wellbeing in relational contexts, but that does not exclude the role you play in honouring and respecting other people’s boundaries as well.

Codependence Relationships By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

What is a codependent relationship?

What is a codependent relationship
Codependent relationships lack strong boundaries

A codependent relationship is dysfunctional because it does not favour personal growth and development. When in one, you are bound to feel a sense of discontent, as your needs are not being met. Codependent relationships are not made of heroes and villains. Those who put others’ needs before their own have obscure motivations that go beyond limitless kindness. The considered bad guys, or those who receive devoted attention and often unsolicited help, have vulnerabilities that go beyond selfishness and self-centredness. The codependent relationship dynamic is complex, far from static and cannot be fully understood through such simplistic terms.

The main vulnerability of those involved in codependent relationships is weak boundaries. Even though that is easily identifiable in the case of the giver, since their dedication to the other seems to have no bounds, it is also present in the receiver. Those who depend on givers’ dedication and effort to feel a sense of worth and connection do so because of their inability to nurture that autonomously. When you are greatly reliant on external sources for your wellbeing, the boundaries between yourself, others, and the world around you are porous, which often leads to all kinds of dependences, including emotional and relational.

Weak boundaries are deeply intertwined to high expectations, bad communication and a lot of mind reading. Since there is no clear separation of individual needs, both giver and receiver often feel dissatisfied in the relationship. The giver often feels that their dedication and effort are not matched by the receiver, while the latter may feel overwhelmed with the responsibility to match them or feel stuck with their reliance on them. Because of their fear of rejection and abandonment and poor self-regulation, both giver and receiver lack the tools to express themselves emotionally, resolve conflict and feel heard, seen and felt.

If you find yourself in a codependent relationship and would like to change that dynamic, start by working on becoming more emotionally mature. The focus of emotionally mature individuals is on learning how to tolerate discomfort felt in their own bodies, rather than psychoanalysing and fixing the other. You can achieve that through emotional autonomy, by allowing yourself to feel and process your negative feelings, such as anger and insecurity, while resisting the urge to soothe yourself through validation from external sources, be it through reassuring your worth through your dedication to others or depending on givers to feel loved and safe in relationships.

Assertion Relationships By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

The myth of good communication in emotionally neglectful relationships

The myth of good communication in emotionally neglectful relationships
Good communication is not the only factor in healthy relationships

Loving relationships have great influence on our wellbeing. They affect us even when we are not mindful of their impact. Adult children of emotionally neglectful parents are especially likely not to notice when their emotions, needs and wants are not being met by significant others. As a result of that lack of awareness, they might approach their relationship problems without truly knowing what they are. Because “good communication” has been widely promoted as the factor in well-functioning relationships, it is what most people think of when assessing their own.

While good communication is often present as a variable in healthy relationships, it is not, solely, what makes them work. There are other factors that contribute to their success, such as love, sexual attraction, intimacy (which is not only physical but also emotional), respect for each other’s autonomy, amongst others. In functional relationships, there is a conscious effort and willingness to see, feel and listen to the other. Emotional awareness is not only present at an individual level, but it also guides an individual’s understanding of their partner’s needs.

I hear you, but I still won’t validate your needs

Conscious efforts to improve a relationship via better communication tend not to be productive in emotionally neglectful relationships when the neglect piece is not identified and addressed. One can learn how to express themselves perfectly, how to use feeling words and link them to behaviours and thoughts to help raise the other’s awareness (“When you _____(behaviour), I feel _____ (feeling) and think _____ (thought)”) and still not feel seen, heard or felt. If there is no real intention or effort to connect emotionally and validate the other’s needs – in practice – good communication, by itself, fails to deliver its promised benefits.

If you are going through a tough time in your relationship, consider emotional neglect as a probable factor. Reflect over the type of connection you have with yourself, and how much importance you give to your own feelings, wants and needs. Do the same to your partner’s feelings, wants and needs. Learn how to express yourself, if you feel you do not know how to do so and take time to understand your partner. Above all, notice what happens when communication goes well – if positive changes happen as a result. If the same problems keep arising, over and over, and your needs (or your partner’s) remain unmet, it is time to address emotional neglect with greater care and attention.

Emotional Neglect Relationships By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

5 strategies for coping with parental emotional neglect

5 strategies for coping with parental emotional neglect
If you feel inadequate when you share your feelings with your parents, that means they are not suitable to give you emotional support

Emotionally neglectful parents fail to properly see, feel and hear their children. Consequently, their children often crave attention, validation and support, even in their adult years. Although such needs are reasonable, adult children of emotionally neglectful parents’ insistence on having them met by their parents perpetuates unhappiness and disappointment. If that behaviour seems familiar, here are 5 strategies for coping with parental emotional neglect to help you get out of that cycle:

1- Let go of the ideal family fantasy: most of us were conditioned to believe that our families are the first and most reliable sources of safety, love and support. That is a fantasy. Even though some experience safety and security while connecting emotionally with their family, others feel ignored and alienated by their self-absorbed and emotionally immature parents, which has a negative impact on their emotional development. If you grew up in an environment of emotional neglect, keeping the ideal family fantasy alive through always hoping that one day your parents will change and honour how you feel is counterproductive.

2- Get the support you need from emotionally mature individuals: if you feel invisible, insignificant or inadequate when you share your feelings with your parents, that means they are not suitable to give you the emotional support you seek. When feelings of hope try to convince you otherwise, do not entertain them. Go talk to an emotionally mature friend instead. If you do not have one, hire a therapist.

3- Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries: whatever is going on with your parents has nothing to do with you, most of the time. Their lack of interest in you does not mean you are uninteresting. Their difficulty to connect emotionally started way before you were born. Therefore, draw a line between you and them. Remain in your body, especially when around them, and do not feed the narrative that you are the reason for their emotionally neglectful behaviour.

4- Practice self-love: as a mature adult, you no longer depend on your parents to feel loved, competent and good enough. You can get those needs met through relationships with things and people outside your family circle. Friends, loving partners, pets, colleagues, neighbours, and even random people you come across have their ways of showing respect and love for you. A rich spiritual life or beliefs that help you cultivate a sense of being part of something bigger than yourself also give you a sense of belonging and inner safety.

5- Practice emotional maturity: break the habit of relying on external factors to feel better about yourself and start honouring your own emotions. To deal with the anger and sadness you carry as effects of your relational trauma, allow time to process your grief. Having a good cry when the need arises and expressing your anger creatively or through exercise are healthy means of regulating your emotions.

If you suffered trauma from emotional neglect and need professional help to heal, contact me to book an appointment and find out more about Attachment-Focused EMDR therapy.

Relationships Self-improvement By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

8 signs of emotional immaturity

8 signs of emotional immaturity
Emotionally immature people do poorly at self-soothing

Victims of developmental/childhood trauma often believe they “attract the wrong people”, as their family relationships do not make for good reference of well-being and emotional growth. If you identified with this vulnerability and would like to break the cycle of dysfunctional relationships, here are 8 signs of emotional immaturity:

1- Mental rigidity: emotionally immature individuals hold rigid beliefs about themselves, the world and others that do not evolve over time. Their black and white thinking does not allow them to see beyond right or wrong and good or bad. They have low tolerance for ambiguity, risk taking and making mistakes. Due to their inflexible mindset, they do not respect individuality and are weak at honouring boundaries.

2- Poor emotional regulation: emotionally immature people do poorly at self-soothing. Their neglectful attitude to their emotional health makes them suffer from depression, anxiety and or pent-up anger over a long period. Their low discomfort tolerance leads them to do what is best for them without considering the effects on others or the benefits of delaying gratification.

3- High subjectivity: the emotionally immature do not nurture the habit of distancing themselves from their own perception to allow for more neutral analyses and interpretations. They are driven by rigid beliefs and strong emotions.

4- Lack of accountability: Emotionally immature people are highly motivated by shame and have a victim mentality. They do not own their mistakes or apologise for them.

5- Egocentrism: emotionally immature people need to be the centre of attention. therefore, they spend excessive time absorbed in themselves and worrying about themselves. In addition, they have a habit of using themselves as a reference, displaying narcissistic traits.

6- Childish behaviour: Emotionally immature individuals expect others to act in mature ways for them. Their love partners feel pressured to do the hard work for them, such as confronting others and making decisions. Children of emotionally immature parents are forced to act like their parents# parent to feel safe (role reversal/parentification).

7- Fear of intimacy: vulnerability and emotional connection trigger insecurity in the emotionally immature. When “forced” to connect with their inner selves, as well as with others, they feel inadequate and overwhelmed. They deal with their discomfort by changing the subject (flight), shutting down/not engaging (freeze), and/or reacting aggressively (fight).

8- Low empathy: Due to their mental rigidity, poor emotional regulation, high subjectivity, lack of responsibility, self-centeredness and fear of intimacy, emotionally immature people are insensitive to others’ feelings.

Emotional immaturity is an effect of developmental trauma. If you experienced neglect or emotional abuse as a child and identified with the above, healing your trauma wounds can help you approach life and relationships with balance and maturity.

Assertion Relationships By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

4 signs of friendship burnout

4 signs of friendship burnout
Losing interest in the other is a sign of friendship burnout

Despite its severe connotation, friendship burnout is an actual thing. We are all susceptible to it, but recovering codependents, or people who find it hard to honour their boundaries, may experience it with greater frequency. Here are 4 signs of friendship burnout to increase your awareness of its effects on behaviour:

You feel exhausted: the relationship has become too intense and/or one-sided. You feel drained from spending too much time with your friend, even if they do not feel the same way. This can lead to a sense of overwhelm, especially when boundaries are not respected. You often feel guilty when saying no to your friend, and a sense of obligation to keep prioritising their needs.

You have lost interest: you struggle to connect with your friend in a way that feels pleasurable, meaningful, or rewarding to you. Your values, ideas and interests have changed and no longer match your friend’s. You start making excuses not to see them or worry about coming up with “good enough” reasons for not meeting up with them.

You have outgrown the friendship: you have grown and developed as a person, but your friend has not. As the current version of you no longer suits the friendship, you feel pressured to act inauthentically in order to maintain it.

You feel powerless: as you have changed, but the relationship dynamic has not, you feel a growing sense of pessimism about the future of the friendship. You consider expressing how you feel to your friend, but you feel hopeless about the outcome. As a result, you start fantasizing about reducing or even cutting contact.

If you have identified with the above, it is a good time to revaluate your friendship. While connecting with others can promote life engagement, dysfunctional relationships make us feel disconnected from our true selves. Consider taking a break from the friendship if it feels like too much hard work. Remind yourself that you are allowed to change your preferences and lead a balanced, peaceful life.