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Self-confidence Trauma By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

Self-care requires effort

Self-care requires effort
Meditation, breathing exercises and personal grooming are all examples of self-care practices

It is usual for those invested in their mental and physical health to know a thing or two about self-care. As a trauma counsellor, I talk to my clients openly about the importance of a self-care routine. A self-care routine comprises regular practices that promote wellbeing. Meditation, breathing exercises, yoga, eating healthily, walking and personal grooming are all examples of self-care practices. When you incorporate them successfully into your daily routine, you can say you practice good self-care. Those who practice self-care regularly feel more balanced and less susceptible to emotional overwhelm.

If looking after ourselves does us so much good, why don’t we all do it? Why do we need to be reminded by our therapists to stick to a self-care routine? Because self-care, for most of us, requires effort. Treating oneself with care might not come naturally, especially for those who suffered neglect and abuse growing up. Complex trauma victims tend to have a complicated relationship with their bodies. For such individuals, neglecting and even abusing themselves may feel more instinctual than delaying gratification to prioritise long term health.

Hypervigilance – a very common effect of childhood trauma – makes one feel constantly on high alert or stuck on fight or flight mode. Those who suffer from hypervigilance are prone to armouring (tension in various parts of the body), excessive worrying and anxiety. Hypervigilant bodies are also restless and impatient. Therefore, daily meditation for someone with hypervigilance is a huge effort. In such cases, focusing on the breath and observing thoughts without judgement feels counterintuitive, when all one wants to do is to get up and do something else. When you do not feel safe in your body, your instinct is to escape it.

If you are a developmental/childhood trauma survivor, or you have suffered neglect and/or abuse growing up, it is important to be kind to yourself. Just because self-care is good for you, it does not mean it is easily done. Chances are you will find it hard to incorporate it into your daily routine, and then find it harder to maintain it. Do not give up. Most importantly, do not punish yourself for not being able to get it right, right away. Give yourself time. You are teaching your body a new trick – something it does not know – so give it time to learn and get used to it. With time, you will start enjoying to benefits of treating yourself with care, love and respect. Be patient and trust the process.

Anxiety Trauma By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

Your hypervigilant brain is not your friend

Your hypervigilant brain is not your friend
Hypervigilant brains are on constant lookout for danger

As thinking beings, we display a natural tendency to believe in our thoughts. We are also eager to confirm our biases and feel reassured when our theories about the world, ourselves and others seem to be true. However, reality – as well as human beings – is extremely complex. In our urge to soothe ourselves with the help of our intellect, we fail to take into consideration several variables that would influence our understanding of reality. We limit our perception to what we already know to feel safe, even when that knowledge does not favour our wellbeing.

That bias is even more pronounced in the traumatised brain. For victims of relational trauma, for instance, approaching relationships with neutrality, without taking things personally is often a challenge. Because their brains are hypervigilant, they are on constant lookout for danger. It is important for individuals on that state of fight or flight to protect themselves against hurt, something they know so well. To feel safe, their brains rush to give them explanations to their anxiety and insecurity. Are you put off by the idea of meeting new people? That is probably because they will reject you and leave you. Such negative and irrational thinking, even when prejudicial to mental and relational health, helps the socially fearful regulate themselves. Once the threat is out of the way (meeting new people), there is nothing to worry about.

Your brain is not, necessarily, your friend. It is at times, but, at others, it might not be. It is not always right – especially when traumatised and hypervigilant – no matter how strongly you feel about your thoughts. When you become mindful of that, your life changes. If you have suffered trauma in the context of a relationship, be very suspicious about what your brain has to say about people. Remind yourself that is trying to protect you, in a very imperfect and rigid way. Approach your thoughts with an open mind and force yourself to consider new perspectives. Resist the urge to be soothed by negative theories to why you should never trust others and tolerate the discomfort that arises from throwing yourself into the unknow, with a blind faith in your competence and the kindness of others. Challenge your brain’s resistance to allow you to learn from experience. You can tolerate the hurt, if it arises, and get over it as with emotional strength and maturity.

Anger Mood Improvement By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

Reconnecting with unmet needs: the anger alarm

Emotions are powerful tools that help us connect with the environment, other people and ourselves. Emotions such as guilt and anger warn us of the effects of our own actions and the actions of others. When you notice your words have hurt someone, for instance, you feel guilty and, at times, angry at yourself. A need to repair the relationship arises. You apologise. Therefore, negative emotions also trigger actions that lead to positive changes.

Although guilt is considered a negative emotion, most agree on the positive effects of its triggered behaviours. Unfortunately, this attitude tends not to apply to anger, since it is largely misunderstood. Anger is judged indiscriminately. It is considered destructive, or solely as an impulse that must be controlled. While aggressive displays of anger hardly go unnoticed, their causes often do. However, anger expression in its unhealthy and abusive forms should not override anger’s purpose.

Reconnecting with unmet needs the anger alarm
Anger helps us identify unmet needs

The anger alarm

Anger helps us identify unmet needs. Anger that follows feelings of rejection reminds us of our need to be loved. When we feel angry for not achieving our goals, we connect with our need to create a life that has meaning. Feeling loved and living a meaningful life increase wellbeing. Wellbeing promotes physical, emotional and relational health.

Anger also lets us know our boundaries have been crossed. When we say no and are not heard, we feel unimportant and disrespected. Feeling less than or alienated connect us with the need to be valued and belong. When our existence is validated, we feel a greater sense of connection with ourselves and others, which, in turn, makes us more eager to engage in life.

In The Surprising Purpose of Anger: Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift, Rosenberg (2005) brings our attention to the significance of anger as an empowering warning system. He explains that anger brings our attention to the needs we want to have met and suggests a change of focus from the judgement that we make of ourselves and others when triggered by anger to what we need and want.

Beyond anger

A healthy relationship with anger is one which allows you to see beyond it. Anger is highly energising and even addictive since it triggers feelings of strength and righteousness. We need to train ourselves to resist the pull to move in this direction. A mindful attitude towards anger helps you focus on what truly matters: identify and connect with unmet needs, be them yours or others’. This process, although productive, does not materialise overnight. It requires dedicated practice. To create a healthy relationship with anger, allow yourself to try this process out and make mistakes, over a reasonable period, until it becomes internalised.

Reference:

Rosenberg, M. B. (2005). The Surprising Purpose of Anger: Beyond Anger Management: Finding the Gift. PuddleDancer Press

Depression Guilt Trauma By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

How to access the healing power of grief

Grief is a biological and emotional/psychological healing process. We go through it to process our losses, regardless of their nature. Those who open themselves to grief, experience emotional and even physical pain. As no grieving process is alike, some might experience it more intensely than others. While some connect more easily with anger and guilt, others might struggle to feel anything other than deep sadness. While there is no right way of grieving, its healing power is universal.

How to access the healing power of grief
To access the healing power of grief, you need to nurture a mindful attitude

Unfortunately for those who agree on the benefits of grieving, awareness alone does not make connecting with this process any easier. Thinking it is a good idea to go grieve does not lead you there. Listening to sad songs might not trigger it either. That is because grief is sneaky, it hits you when you least expect – when you are clothes shopping or eating your dinner, for instance. It is also slippery; it escapes your grip when all you want is to control it.

To access the healing power of grief, you need to nurture a mindful attitude to the changes you experience in your body. Bodily sensations carry precious information not only about our physiology, but also about our feelings. Sadness and anger – grief’s main emotions – have their way of expressing themselves. Think about how you feel when you experience both. Make a mental inventory of the negative bodily sensations you connect with feeling sad, such as heaviness in your upper body, pressure in your chest and feeling like you have a lump in your throat and tears behind your eyes. Do the same with anger.

Once that knowledge is at the front of your awareness, it will be hard not to connect with grief when it strikes. As you notice its presence, turn your attention to it. Drop what you are doing and sit with it, literally. If for any reason that is not possible – you are at work or busy with something important – make a mental note to connect with it later. Do not leave it for another day but make time for feeling what comes up – whether it is anger, sadness or guilt – as soon as you can.

Taking time to grieve when you notice its presence is the best strategy to heal. An honest and proactive attitude also helps you through your healing journey. Approaching your grieving process with openness and without shame supports mental health and sets a wonderful example of maturity and strength to those who are influenced by you.

Emotional Neglect Relationships By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

5 strategies for coping with parental emotional neglect

5 strategies for coping with parental emotional neglect
If you feel inadequate when you share your feelings with your parents, that means they are not suitable to give you emotional support

Emotionally neglectful parents fail to properly see, feel and hear their children. Consequently, their children often crave attention, validation and support, even in their adult years. Although such needs are reasonable, adult children of emotionally neglectful parents’ insistence on having them met by their parents perpetuates unhappiness and disappointment. If that behaviour seems familiar, here are 5 strategies for coping with parental emotional neglect to help you get out of that cycle:

1- Let go of the ideal family fantasy: most of us were conditioned to believe that our families are the first and most reliable sources of safety, love and support. That is a fantasy. Even though some experience safety and security while connecting emotionally with their family, others feel ignored and alienated by their self-absorbed and emotionally immature parents, which has a negative impact on their emotional development. If you grew up in an environment of emotional neglect, keeping the ideal family fantasy alive through always hoping that one day your parents will change and honour how you feel is counterproductive.

2- Get the support you need from emotionally mature individuals: if you feel invisible, insignificant or inadequate when you share your feelings with your parents, that means they are not suitable to give you the emotional support you seek. When feelings of hope try to convince you otherwise, do not entertain them. Go talk to an emotionally mature friend instead. If you do not have one, hire a therapist.

3- Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries: whatever is going on with your parents has nothing to do with you, most of the time. Their lack of interest in you does not mean you are uninteresting. Their difficulty to connect emotionally started way before you were born. Therefore, draw a line between you and them. Remain in your body, especially when around them, and do not feed the narrative that you are the reason for their emotionally neglectful behaviour.

4- Practice self-love: as a mature adult, you no longer depend on your parents to feel loved, competent and good enough. You can get those needs met through relationships with things and people outside your family circle. Friends, loving partners, pets, colleagues, neighbours, and even random people you come across have their ways of showing respect and love for you. A rich spiritual life or beliefs that help you cultivate a sense of being part of something bigger than yourself also give you a sense of belonging and inner safety.

5- Practice emotional maturity: break the habit of relying on external factors to feel better about yourself and start honouring your own emotions. To deal with the anger and sadness you carry as effects of your relational trauma, allow time to process your grief. Having a good cry when the need arises and expressing your anger creatively or through exercise are healthy means of regulating your emotions.

If you suffered trauma from emotional neglect and need professional help to heal, contact me to book an appointment and find out more about Attachment-Focused EMDR therapy.

Hopelessness Mood Improvement By Michele Engelke 0 Comments

Self-sabotaging or tired of chasing happiness?

As life dissatisfaction sets in, you start wondering why. After all, there must be something you have not done that made that feeling arise. Have you been working hard enough on achieving all your goals? Is there something missing that could make you happier and more fulfilled? If your answer is no to the former and yes to the latter, you might consider self-sabotage.

When you study the term “self-sabotage”, be it online or in a self-help library, you find it largely connected to the themes of professional growth and entrepreneurship. Self-sabotage is highly associated with failure in achieving success, or as Brenner (2019) puts it

“Self-sabotage occurs when we destroy ourselves physically, mentally, or emotionally or deliberately hinder our own success and wellbeing by undermining personal goals and values.”

The problem of “self-sabotage” does not exist in a vacuum, but it stems from a culture of finding happiness via “success” and “achievement”. Such culture has its eyes on the ultimate goal, while it ignores the journey. It limits our appreciation of experience to the attainment of material goods and validation. As happiness seekers, we become dependent on good feelings – triggered by external factors – to nurture a sense wholeness and life engagement.

Self-sabotaging or tired of chasing happiness
Are you tired of chasing after happiness?

So let’s go back to you wondering where it all went wrong. According to the self-sabotage theory, all you need to overcome your dissatisfaction is to roll up your sleeves and get something done. But what if your body knows better? What if it secretly understands that even if you achieve all your goals and feel a surge of happiness, you will eventually go back to your personal baseline? Organically and without your awareness of “the hedonic treadmill”, it has decided to get off it.

Before rushing to dismiss your bodies’ wisdom, take a moment to sit with your discomfort. Become the observer of your own feelings without engaging with them. Notice their natural ebb and flow, without being swayed by them. With openness and curiosity, surrender to the moment alternating the focus of your attention from your inner to outer experience. As your concentration becomes more intense, notice how perception changes, moment by moment. As you feel more present with what is, invite a sense of acceptance and contentment into your body. After a couple of minutes, start contemplating life again. Do you still feel a burning need for change?

Reference:

Brenner, B. P. (2019). Stop sabotaging yourself: Tips for getting out of your own way. Therapy Group of NYC. Retrieved March 13, 2021, from https://nyctherapy.com/therapists-nyc-blog/stop-sabotaging-yourself-tips-for-getting-out-of-your-own-way/